Loosen Their Lips shares practical techniques for preparing, building trust, listening closely, and turning everyday conversations into valuable insight. What have thousands of professional conversations taught you that research or data alone couldn’t?

You learn things by talking with and, more importantly, listening to humans. Things that will never be on the Internet, not even AI.

A simple example came from a Win/Loss interview. The customer went with another provider. We learned why, and while some of it was not actionable, one piece was: the competitor’s Demo. He had shown the customer not only how his solution would work for the customer, but also how well it worked for other customers in the same industry as the targeted customer. My client should include in his demo how his solution worked for other customers in the same industry. My client simply had not thought to do his until we learned about this practice during a Win/Loss interview. And they learned something they had no idea was happening!

In an opportunity analysis project, our client was hauling powder, a byproduct of a manufacturing process, to the dump. They wanted to find companies who would value this product, and we targeted cement manufacturing. This powder added durability to cement so it was likely to endure big temperature swings, which would be valued in US states such as MN, WI or MI.

We spoke with competitors and weren’t convinced there was room for another provider in this space. I found a very knowledgeable government manager who had worked in this industry for 20+ years. He told me that my client’s powder color was too dark and would be less valued by cement manufacturers as they preferred a white color, which competitors provided. So, I discouraged my client from entering the market.

A couple of years later, my client asked for a review of this market. It was a good thing they hadn’t entered it, as some of the competitors had exited the business. When I handed my client this piece of news, they were in the process of negotiating 10-year deals with some cement manufacturers. They thanked me profusely for the advice and ceased negotiations. I had caught them just in time. They told me it would have cost them many millions of dollars to pull out of those 10-year contracts.

You emphasize that a successful conversation begins well before two people start talking. Why is preparation so important, and how should someone decide what they need to learn before starting an interview or research conversation?!

Preparation is so important! You want to make the other person feel comfortable with you ASAP. You also want to be grounded, since how you come across is just as important as the words you use.

If you can figure out how the other person is motivated to share, you’re likely to learn what you’re looking for during your conversation with him. Preparation helps you be more efficient. After all, you have a limited time for each conversation. Both parties appreciate this!

Another reason is that conversations often don’t go as planned. I like to consider how he might answer each question like a decision tree. This helps me probe at the right time. This also helps when the conversation goes off course. It’s easier to get back on track.

Specifically, I decide what I need to learn about the other person based on what I know about him beforehand. Maybe this is someone I already know. No research is needed.

Most of the time, I don’t know the person, and he doesn’t know me. But I know what I want to learn during our conversation. Sometimes a colleague knows this person or in the case of a Win/Loss interview, the salesperson knows his customer. I can learn about the customer’s disposition from the salesperson, recognizing some bias might creep in.

Other times, my contacts do not know the person I’ll be interviewing. So, I use AI or at least LinkedIn prior to the business conversation. There is always something you can find out to warm up the conversation.

What kinds of changes in a person’s communication should make an interviewer curious enough to ask a follow-up question?

I tend to ask follow-up questions when the other person hasn’t really answered my question or the answer was vague or unclear. The is most common around the area of price in a sale. The customer will often tell me that price was an important decision-making criterion along with good service, for example.

But I need to understand more about why price was important, and what services were included in the competitor’s price, and how it compared to my client’s offer. Did the price include implementation, maintenance or what? The same goes for service. What does that include? In some cases, it includes updated training. What are the average response times when the customer calls the help desk? Or is help mostly self-service through the company’s website?

If readers adopt only one principle from Loosen Their Lips before their next important conversation, what do you hope it will be?

Treat people decently with empathy as you converse with them. I have long been inspired by Dr. Maya Angelou, and this saying of hers, in particular.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,

People will forget what you did,

But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

That inspired the intention I have for every conversation. I want the other person to feel better by the end of our conversation than when we said, “Hello.” 

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