In My Pretty Baby, you share the pain of growing up in a family shaped by loss, neglect, alcoholism, and secrecy. What inspired you to share your story with readers?

As an adult, I realized that my family’s dysfunction and secrets had written not only my biography but also my biology when I learned more about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). I had spent decades intuitively learning how to heal myself as outlined in my book. I always felt that by writing my story, I could begin to untangle the Gordian Knot of my family and like a private investigator I dug for clues and answers. The reader is literally with me for the big secret reveal since I had already been writing the book when I learned the truth. At first I thought it was just my story, my catharsis, my healing. But when I learned that 64% of adults suffer from at least 1 in 10 ACEs I realized this was not just my story, not just my family story but that of millions of us who carry wounds that science now knows rewires our biology and impacts our health and relationships for life. Knowing that my book might help another person begin their own healing journey emboldened me to keep writing when it was difficult to do so.

How did you access the perspective of your younger self so vividly?

I have done decades of healing including Healing the Inner Child and feel very connected to my younger self. I have such compassion for her and all that she endured. As an adult I am grateful that I get to take care of her now. People ask me all the time how I remember such vivid details. Unfortunately trauma sears memories in the brain because of the high level of fight or flight hormones. Think about any traumatic experience you’ve had and you will remember that incident more than a memory without any strong emotions involved. Losing a parent at 7 is one of the most traumatic experiences a child can have. Being threatened with death is also a high fight or flight experience and that unexpected threat continued even into adulthood around my step father, so my hormones were on high alert for most of my life. In addition, the Sense Memory acting class that I describe in my book has been a powerful tool to recollect details of events, people and places.

How did you navigate writing about someone who caused harm but also showed moments of tenderness?

I cried a lot. Luckily I have been in therapy on and off for decades and especially as I was writing my memoir. My relationship with my step-father was one of the most painful and confusing relationships I have ever had. I grappled with how I could love someone who I was afraid of and didn’t trust. I wanted a father. I wanted his love. It was not until my 60’s when my therapist explained to me that humans are meant to be taken care of by our tribe, we are meant to expect love from our caretakers and that is how we survive, so that kept me wanting the relationship. In addition she explained that “intermittent reinforcement” is the most powerful tool for manipulating humans. Just like in gambling, if we get a bit of love, or win a few coins, that keeps us hooked in the hope that we might get more.

If you could speak to the young girl at the center of My Pretty Baby, what would you want her to know?

So many things. That help is coming. Look for the helpers. That she is lovable. That adults can be broken and not know how to love but that it is not her fault. She did nothing wrong. That she will eventually find love and her own chosen family. That she has so much to offer the world. So much talent. So many gifts. That she will find people who love her and appreciate her and cherish her. To be strong and get away as soon as possible (which she did!) That she will have a beautiful, loving family someday and she will thrive in the goodness that life has to offer.

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