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What I Wished I Had Known
Shared Crossing-The Final Journey is not just a memoir but a look at the challenges of caring for loved ones in their final stages of life and the mysteries surrounding death and the afterlife. Why was this an important book for you to write?
Through my work with the Shared Crossing Project, I knew a lot about near-death and shared death experiences, and the extraordinary experiences that can be shared between the living and the dying towards the end of life.
When I found myself becoming a caregiver, I really struggled to understand what was happening to my mother—the changes in her health and her capacities. As a psychotherapist, I had a number of clients facing similar situations with their aging parents. I was witness to the toll on caregivers, and the kinds of conflict that can arise within families—that can either bring people together or tear them apart. It felt important to place the extraordinary, awe-inspiring experiences that are possible within the challenges of caregiving.
When I first started writing my book, I did not set out to write a memoir. I simply wanted to share “what I wished I had known,” in hopes of helping others and making their lives a little bit easier.
What were some ideas that were important for you to share in this book?
That is not an easy question to answer. My book has so many layers. What different readers respond to in my story always surprises and delights me. I have purposefully not tried to explain my experiences so that each person might take what they need.
Mine is not a traditional memoir. The introduction and appendix provide information on end-of-life studies so that readers can understand what shaped some of my interactions with my mother—and perhaps view my story from a new perspective. The remainder of the book is deeply personal—it’s more about experiences than ideas.
Caregivers and readers may see themselves in my struggles, or reflect on their own family dynamics. Friends and family who are not on the front lines of caregiving may be able to better understand and support those who are. Some readers may gain new information and ideas about things they can do to prepare, or to manage challenges as they arise. Others will want to delve into the deep questions about life and death that are inherent in the Great Mystery.
I know that most people don’t like to think or talk about death, but when we do, we are no longer alone. Also, when we become familiar with some of the remarkable phenomena that commonly occur towards end of life—that may seem strange or even miraculous—we open into entirely different kinds of conversations. When we don’t dismiss the musing of the dying as “not real,” these conversations unfold in unpredictable and uniquely personal ways.
I appreciated the candid nature with which you told your story, sharing with readers your experiences as your mother’s health declined and the realizations this brought you. What was the hardest thing for you to write about?
The hardest thing was making the shift from a more informational approach to deciding to tell my story. To write a memoir, I had to be willing to become very vulnerable. I had to sit with that for a while. Ultimately, information is useful—stories are healing.
The most difficult part to write was the chapter sub-titled “Tragedy of Errors” because I felt that I had failed so badly. That was the moment I realized my mother’s recent illness had taken a major hit on her mind, and felt the depths of her fear and pain.
Other heartbreakingly poignant moments were not as difficult to write because they are infused with such beauty.
What is one thing you hope readers take away from your story?
I have dedicated my book to caregivers, whether they are the primary caregiver, friends, family, or medical professionals, such as doctors, nurses, or staff.
Being a caregiver is a weighty responsibility. There is so much that needs to be done, at a time when many things are outside of our control. Being simply present—being with—the dying person and allowing them to share their journey with us is where the greatest gifts lie.
As my mother will tell you, “It’s very special to be able to share what I’m seeing with you …”
Author Links: GoodReads | Facebook | Website | Website 2
“A truly beautiful book! Deborah Harkin takes on the big existential questions about dying, death, and life itself as she unfolds her intimate end-of-life journey with her beloved mother. She leaves no stone unturned in her thoughtful, tender, and riveting account. Dr. Harkin offers the reader a groundbreaking perspective for living life’s final chapter with a forgotten wisdom and courageous love. Put your seat belt on as this deeply honest memoir will bring you to tears, unexpected joy, and sublime peace!”
William Peters, MFT
Founder of the Shared Crossing Project, and author of At Heaven’s Door
“Eloquent and moving. A deep dive into the gifts and challenges of caregiving and accompanying the dying. Read this book—you will laugh, you will cry and you will be grateful.”
Dr. Monica Williams
Emergency Physician and author, It’s OK to Die
“Deborah Harkin’s book brings into sharp focus that spiritual experiences are mysteries to be appreciated rather than events to be explained. Deborah’s journey to embrace her own experiences around end of life can serve as a model for readers to be more receptive to those elusive moments of transcendence and wonder.”
Michael Kinsella, Ph.D.
Hospice Spiritual Counselor and Religious Studies Scholar
“From a joyful and magnetic cover image to its bittersweet ending, this memoir is a study of love and compassion in action as Deborah interacts with her colorful mother in her waning days. My favorite story in the book begins on page 12 with the section My Mother, the Wild Woman, which begins with Mom lassoing an alligator and ends with amateur surgery on a deeply wounded cat. In the end the author wonders “What happens when we die?” while skillfully showing us a wonderful life.”
Paul Perry
Co-author with Raymond Moody, MD, PhD, of Proof of Life After Life
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What happens when we die?
In this captivating memoir, Deborah Harkin takes readers on a thought-provoking exploration of the mysteries surrounding death and the profound connections that can be forged between the living and the dying. Drawing upon her own experiences with her mother, Harkin delves into the realm of shared crossings, where extraordinary encounters offer glimpses into what lies beyond.
As her mother’s health deteriorates, Harkin finds herself immersed in a world where discussions about death take on an unexpected vitality. With a background in psychology and an internship under the tutelage of William Peters, a renowned figure in end-of-life studies, Harkin is uniquely prepared for the journey that awaits her. Yet, despite her knowledge, she discovers that she must navigate uncharted territory.
In a captivating blend of personal memoir and enlightening research, Harkin weaves a tapestry of extraordinary experiences, blurring the boundaries between the physical and the spiritual. Through her heartfelt storytelling, readers are invited to witness the challenges of caregiving alongside the awe-inspiring possibilities that emerge in the face of mortality. Her memoir is a gentle yet powerful testament to the reality of shared crossings and the transformative power of love and connection.
Shared Crossing – The Final Journey: A Memoir
Shared Crossing-The Final Journey, by Deborah Harkin, is a reflective memoir that delves into the complex emotional landscape of coping with a loved one’s illness. Harkin, equipped with a background in psychology, navigates the challenging terrain of her mother’s declining health, finding herself at the intersection of caregiver and researcher. Her narrative weaves through the intricacies of the human experience, particularly the nuanced relationship between life, death, and spirituality.
Harkin’s exploration is marked by a deep sense of introspection and empathy as she grapples with the spiritual dimensions of her journey. The memoir thoroughly examines the concept of shared crossings, blurring the lines between the physical and spiritual realms and offering insights into the interconnectedness of life and death. Her honest and emotional narration resonates with a sense of authenticity, inviting readers to share her experiences of love, compassion, and the profound complexities of human relationships.
The book also sheds light on the often-overlooked challenges of caregiving, making it particularly relatable to those who have found themselves in similar roles. Harkin’s journey is not just a personal account but also an in-depth exploration backed by research, offering a unique perspective on spirituality’s role in coping with life’s trials. As Harkin delves into the mysteries surrounding death and the afterlife, her narrative is imbued with a sense of optimism and resilience. Her experiences, which she describes as ‘out of this world,’ offer a glimpse into the profound impact that spirituality can have in understanding and accepting life’s inevitable transitions.
Shared Crossing – The Final Journey: A Memoir is more than just a memoir; it’s a heartfelt exploration of life’s most profound questions, presented through the lens of personal experience and deep emotional connection. It stands as a testament to the power of love and spirituality in facing life’s most challenging moments.
Pages 124 | ASIN : B0CKLVK3JQ
LITERARY TITAN 