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The Adoption Paradox weaves together your story, historical records, and interviews with nearly a hundred people from across the “adoption constellation” into an unflinching look at the industry’s ethical and emotional complexities. Why was this an important book for you to write?
I started out wanting to write a deep exploration of adoption’s emotional complexities from all sides. I’m very new to this internal awakening in my life’s journey. As an adoptee from a standard closed adoption from 1965, I had an overall good experience. As my parent’s only child, I felt loved and accepted for the most part within my family and our larger culture.
Then in 2020 with both of my adopted parents gone, I finally started to search for my birth family, which fueled the emotional curiosity that led to this work. I read books written by adoptees about their search. Then others about the birth mothers who relinquished us back in the era I was born in. What I learned shocked and saddened me. I felt this deep inner shift, and started questioning the typical storyline I’d always been fed. It was one thing to know that in ’65 my mother didn’t have the same choices I did growing up in the 1980s. It was another thing to come face to face with how badly many of these young women were treated.
There was more to tell in all of this I was sure, but I didn’t see any other books out there that had the voices and the deep research and thru lines for everyone in the adoption triad: adoptees, along with birth and adoptive parents. So, I decided to audaciously tackle that niche myself. That’s what started it all. This book is for me, in part, but my hope is that in reconciling the stories within, others find it helpful too.
What were some ideas that were important for you to share in this book?
There is no one adoption story. Ever. There are many sides, and all have this vastly diverse lived experience, even within one family. You can have an adoptee who feels completely seen and understood by the people who raise them, and another who feels isolated, lost and alone and their parents have no idea they are struggling. That’s heartbreaking. Adoption always begins with a loss, and our society completely forgets that narrative in popular culture. It’s just assumed we are lucky as adoptees, and that our families are fantastic! The truth is it’s often a mix.
There are misconceptions and oversimplifications about adoption and foster care among the general public. Adoption can heal, save lives and fulfill its potential to create a loving home for a child who needs one. But in modern times that is not generally what’s driving a relinquishment. Infant adoptions usually occur due to a lack of resources experienced by the natural parent(s). Then, understand we have allowed commercialism and an unchecked profit motive to proliferate within an industry that is responsible for the placement of children into homes. How can that possibly be beneficial for those affected or our society at large? Most people are complexly unaware of these realities. What gets lost in the shuffle of that are the needs of the adopted person. Not just as a youngster, but for their entire lives.
When we make assumptions about people, we flatten out their stories and miss the depth and nuances that are part of each and every family. I can have a good adoption story, and there is always some sadness behind it. We need to live in places of truth, both fiercely and gently with each other, and how we build or defend our families.
What was the most challenging part of writing your book, and what was the most rewarding?
Definitely stories of abuse were the hardest to hear, and it was also I think essential for those folks to feel seen and heard. Listening and sitting with them through their pain was validating for both them and me. Receiving the trust from all of those interviewed was by far the most rewarding experience.
The other bonuses have come from adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents who unknown to me have already shared how the book has helped them feel affirmed, taught them something, or caused a shift in their mindset. They are the reason – because we can do this better.
What is one thing that you hope readers take away from The Adoption Paradox?
If parents are more informed before they adopt, their kids do better and are less likely to struggle. If natural parents and treated with dignity and fairness by our statutes then their rights are protected, because they deserve nothing less than that. My hope is the general public will understand our laws need revising and modernizing beyond the way we currently practice adoption.
In most states, we still overwrite adoptees birth certificates as part of this legal process and seal them away – inaccessible without a court order. Why can’t we create a “certificate of parentage” that doesn’t overwrite a person’s truth of who they are, where they came from, and deny them access to their medical history? Everyone in this story deserves better than these archaic systems we currently have.
I am not anti-adoption, but I am interested in our culture evolving to embrace a better future for how we practice adoption and answer the real needs of families interacting with the child welfare system. The most important thing is that we talk honestly with each other and listen. I hope my book begins and stirs that conversation. Thank you!
Author Links: GoodReads | Facebook | Website
Adoption impacts countless families worldwide, yet the voices of those directly involved—especially adoptees, the central focus of the process—are rarely highlighted. In The Adoption Paradox, nearly one hundred individuals are interviewed, from domestic, international, and transracial adoptions, as well as foster care, along with adoptive and birth parents, therapists, experts, and allies. These narratives reveal both the love and the emotional costs borne by everyone affected, exposing adoption as a complex and challenging experience. Healing is possible with the right support, but addressing adoption’s hidden issues requires activism to confront unethical practices that lack oversight. These moving stories shed light on unaddressed pain and systemic flaws, calling for a more transparent and compassionate approach to adoption.
The Adoption Paradox: Putting Adoption in Perspective
Jean Kelly Widner’s The Adoption Paradox is both a sweeping history and a deeply personal exploration of adoption in America. It weaves together her own adoptee story, historical records, interviews with nearly a hundred people from across the “adoption constellation,” and an unflinching look at the industry’s ethical and emotional complexities. From the history of orphan trains and the Baby Scoop Era to the modern foster system and open adoptions, Widner covers the many ways adoption has shaped and sometimes wounded those involved. The book moves between heart-wrenching firsthand accounts, legal and cultural context, and thoughtful calls for reform, all while acknowledging the strange dualities at the heart of adoption: love and loss, gratitude and grief, hope and harm.
I was struck by the sheer variety of voices in this book, from adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. Each is speaking in their own words, often with raw vulnerability. Widner doesn’t sanitize their stories, and she doesn’t steer the reader toward easy conclusions. I appreciated her willingness to admit there’s no single truth here, no one-size-fits-all narrative. There’s a tenderness in her approach, but also a certain steel; she makes it clear that the industry needs scrutiny, and that the myths we’ve been fed, especially the “all adoption is beautiful” trope, do real harm. At times, the weight of the stories struck me deeply, but that’s part of what made the reading experience so powerful.
I also found myself impressed by the way Widner balances the historical with the personal. She’ll pull you deep into archival laws or social movements, then drop you right into a living room or hospital hallway where someone’s telling the story of the day their child was taken, found, or lost forever. The shift between head and heart kept me engaged, even when the subject matter was painful.
I’d recommend The Adoption Paradox to anyone touched by adoption, whether you’re an adoptee, a birth parent, an adoptive parent, or simply someone who wants to better understand what adoption really means beyond the Hallmark version. It’s not light reading, but it’s the kind that stays with you. This is a book for people who can hold complexity, who aren’t afraid to see the cracks alongside the light. It’s a brave and necessary book.
Pages: 487 | ASIN : B0F6X136JN
LITERARY TITAN 