How Not to Fuck Up Your Kids offers twelve practical “cheat codes” to help parents strengthen relationships with their children while examining how their own childhood experiences shape the way they parent. How did your experience as a therapist shape the advice you wanted to give parents and caregivers?

Before I was a therapist, I was a client myself. That’s how I shape my delivery of information as a clinician and as an author. I try my best to be aware of how best to convey information to others that is accurate and conscious of the intersectionality of their identities. I feel that therapists and clinicians can become so used to speaking with other professionals that the crux of information can be lost when speaking to someone without that level of insight or education. It my opinion, I think it is beneficial, when able, to reflect on your position in a relationship. All adults were once kids, professionals were once students, and the knowledge we have gathered over the years was not always ours. 

How can adults recognize when they’re reacting to something from their own past rather than simply responding to what’s happening with their child, and what does breaking an unhealthy generational pattern actually look like in everyday family life?

I wish there was a quick and simple answer to give, but it takes time and practice. Someone has to be willing to be comfortable with being uncomfortable for a time. It may not feel good to realize that as a caregiver, you are reacting to your own past rather than what is happening in front of you. The truth is that it may happen and the kiddo in your life may not understand. Which is why I included child cheats like “say. you’re. fucking. sorry” and “ask for help”. Those two cheats, as an example, are so very important in breaking generational traumas and patterns. By being able to take accountability with genuine compassion for the injured party and a plan of action to improve can do wonders for repairing a relationship at any age.

Why is a parent’s ability to regulate their own emotions so important when helping a child manage theirs, and what can parents do when they recognize that they’re too angry or overwhelmed to handle a situation constructively?

Parents and caregivers are a child’s first teacher. For much of their developmental years, a child looks to their caregivers for how to navigate the world at large and their internal world. Emotions can feel large and unwieldy as an adult with a better handle on language and autonomy. However, a small human may feel entirely overwhelmed and lack the ability to accurately convey what they are experiencing and why. No one can learn while they are highly dysregulated. Similarly, when someone is drowning, that is not the time to teach them to swim. 

What would you say to a parent who reads this book and realizes they’ve already made some of the mistakes you describe?

I would tell them that’s good! Not the mistakes bit, but the fact that they realized it and want to make changes. That’s one of the hardest bits and I hope they are proud of themselves. I would let them know that there are plenty of people who have made mistakes mentioned in the book and that’s in part why I wrote it. I would remind them they aren’t alone and there is a community ready and willing to help!

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