As a counterpoint to the “epidemic of loneliness” among American Men, The Wilderness of Friendship is a narrative account of how four men, friends since their days together at Vanderbilt Divinity School in the 1980s, have intentionally pursued and deepened a collaborative relationship of love and joy through sharing success and failure, gain and loss, life and mortality.

What is The Wilderness of Friendship about?

Forty years ago, we became friends as students at Vanderbilt Divinity School. Today, we count ourselves as brothers to one another, the result of intentional decisions to share the experiences of wilderness together, both literally, the wilderness outdoors (lakes, rivers and mountains), and the metaphorical wild places of life (grief, loss and failure). In our book, we take turns telling the story of our friendship and exploring the intellectual, spiritual, and mental health terrain upon which it is built.

What prompted you to write The Wilderness of Friendship?

For more than twenty years we have gone into the wilderness for a week together each summer and, upon returning home, have been met by friends and neighbors with curiosity and, occasionally, envy. Then, in 2017, an article in the Boston Globe alerted us to what is often called the “epidemic of loneliness” in American men. We realized that by drawing on our experience, we could offer a real-world counterpoint to traditional, isolating modes of stoic masculinity.

How do you go about this?

By telling stories from our own experience, we hope to inspire open conversations about how intellectual hospitality to new ideas, shared emotional vulnerabilities, and lifelong reciprocal interdependence can offer an alternative understanding for how men might form and keep friendships. Able to blend male mental health awareness, spiritual and theological reflection, outdoor adventures, and what we hope is good humor, we’ve shared a narrative of forty years of deep platonic relationship with one another that we hope might be an inspiration to others to seek friendships in their own lives that take advantage of their own unique strengths and experiences.

Why are you uniquely qualified to write this book?

The most important qualification is, of course, our forty years of sustained commitment to and caring for each other. But each of us also brings unique educational training and vocational experience to the work. Bill Harkins is a licensed therapist, an Episcopal priest, and a retired professor of pastoral theology. He’s written dozens of articles on mental health and healing, and for a decade taught a course on Men in Ministry. Bob Victorin-Vangerud has a PhD in philosophy and brought his wisdom to thirty years of teaching men in prison who have been bruised and broken by trauma and flawed understandings of what it means to be men. Bill Friskics-Warren is a successful advocate for justice for the unhoused populations of Nashville and has a deep passion for listening to voices that are not like his own white, straight, cisgender, privileged one. Paul Shupe has been a pastor in United Church of Christ congregations for nearly forty years and has a lifetime of experience with men’s groups across the lifespan.

What is new in your book that might make a unique contribution to the topic?

Rather than offering theories or advice, we offer a real-world narrative account of a multi-decade friendship. We share reflections on interpersonal experience, rather than offering instructions or principles. Included are examples of the power of vulnerability, showing that male bonds grow powerful when men drop their emotional guard in order to share experiences of masculinity, family relationships, aging, and mortality. We describe a lifelong commitment to intellectual and spiritual hospitality, which we believe opens doors to growth and new relationships. By contrast, assuming that in order to fully belong, all must agree, keeps doors closed and men isolated. Perhaps most important, collaboration, compassion and cooperation emerge as viable alternatives to the standard notion that competition is at the heart of every male action and interaction. Finally, embracing wilderness, both the literal outdoors and life’s metaphorical wild places -like grief, loss, and change- reveals deep meaning.

What do you think are the root causes of our “epidemic of loneliness” in American men?

We certainly do not believe that our experiences offer a definitive diagnosis of what is surely an immense and complex and multi-faceted problem. But it has been our experience and our observation over four decades that men are surrounded by a culture that equates masculinity with independence. We’re taught to need no one and to expect nothing other than what can be won with our own efforts. Showing vulnerability, on the other hand, often feels like an invitation to be hurt. In such a climate, men can bind together for any number of reasons: to climb mountains, fight wars, meet sales quotas, root our teams to victory and so forth, but when the task is accomplished, we tend to disband and go back to our separate ways. None of this is conducive to lifelong, mutually caring, compassionate friendships that endure.

The four of you are in some ways very similar: white, straight, cisgender men, privileged educationally and comfortable financially. Can those who are not like you form friendships like yours?

It’s truly not our place to say. While we try to be as open as we can to the experiences of others, ultimately, we can only know what it is like to be ourselves, and we would not offer our experiences as a prescription for anyone else. What we do hope is that our experiences might inspire others to think about their own experiences, their own friendships, looking for ways to seek and create for themselves in their settings something akin to what we have sought and created in our own. And we’d love to hear the stories of how it happened for them.

Why should people read this book? What will the reader carry away with them?

We believe our narrative reveals that remaining intentionally committed to your friends, over years and decades, in good times and in hard ones, deepens trust and significantly enriches daily life. Doing so changes neural pathways and strengthens the intellectual, emotional and spiritual capacity for processing events, inspiring courage, vitality and wonder. We hope that readers come away persuaded that sharing life’s struggles with trusted friends – disappointments, failures, worries – is just as precious and important as celebrating individual and shared triumphs or accomplishments. We hope that people realize that friendships can be built through intention, commitment and compassion. This is what makes friendships endure beyond happy accidents of shared interests or enforced proximity. And finally, it may be obvious, but it bears noting: Friendship must be fun, perhaps not always funny, but deeply joyful.

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