Blog Archives
Real-World Counterpoint
As a counterpoint to the “epidemic of loneliness” among American Men, The Wilderness of Friendship is a narrative account of how four men, friends since their days together at Vanderbilt Divinity School in the 1980s, have intentionally pursued and deepened a collaborative relationship of love and joy through sharing success and failure, gain and loss, life and mortality.
What is The Wilderness of Friendship about?
Forty years ago, we became friends as students at Vanderbilt Divinity School. Today, we count ourselves as brothers to one another, the result of intentional decisions to share the experiences of wilderness together, both literally, the wilderness outdoors (lakes, rivers and mountains), and the metaphorical wild places of life (grief, loss and failure). In our book, we take turns telling the story of our friendship and exploring the intellectual, spiritual, and mental health terrain upon which it is built.
What prompted you to write The Wilderness of Friendship?
For more than twenty years we have gone into the wilderness for a week together each summer and, upon returning home, have been met by friends and neighbors with curiosity and, occasionally, envy. Then, in 2017, an article in the Boston Globe alerted us to what is often called the “epidemic of loneliness” in American men. We realized that by drawing on our experience, we could offer a real-world counterpoint to traditional, isolating modes of stoic masculinity.
How do you go about this?
By telling stories from our own experience, we hope to inspire open conversations about how intellectual hospitality to new ideas, shared emotional vulnerabilities, and lifelong reciprocal interdependence can offer an alternative understanding for how men might form and keep friendships. Able to blend male mental health awareness, spiritual and theological reflection, outdoor adventures, and what we hope is good humor, we’ve shared a narrative of forty years of deep platonic relationship with one another that we hope might be an inspiration to others to seek friendships in their own lives that take advantage of their own unique strengths and experiences.
Why are you uniquely qualified to write this book?
The most important qualification is, of course, our forty years of sustained commitment to and caring for each other. But each of us also brings unique educational training and vocational experience to the work. Bill Harkins is a licensed therapist, an Episcopal priest, and a retired professor of pastoral theology. He’s written dozens of articles on mental health and healing, and for a decade taught a course on Men in Ministry. Bob Victorin-Vangerud has a PhD in philosophy and brought his wisdom to thirty years of teaching men in prison who have been bruised and broken by trauma and flawed understandings of what it means to be men. Bill Friskics-Warren is a successful advocate for justice for the unhoused populations of Nashville and has a deep passion for listening to voices that are not like his own white, straight, cisgender, privileged one. Paul Shupe has been a pastor in United Church of Christ congregations for nearly forty years and has a lifetime of experience with men’s groups across the lifespan.
What is new in your book that might make a unique contribution to the topic?
Rather than offering theories or advice, we offer a real-world narrative account of a multi-decade friendship. We share reflections on interpersonal experience, rather than offering instructions or principles. Included are examples of the power of vulnerability, showing that male bonds grow powerful when men drop their emotional guard in order to share experiences of masculinity, family relationships, aging, and mortality. We describe a lifelong commitment to intellectual and spiritual hospitality, which we believe opens doors to growth and new relationships. By contrast, assuming that in order to fully belong, all must agree, keeps doors closed and men isolated. Perhaps most important, collaboration, compassion and cooperation emerge as viable alternatives to the standard notion that competition is at the heart of every male action and interaction. Finally, embracing wilderness, both the literal outdoors and life’s metaphorical wild places -like grief, loss, and change- reveals deep meaning.
What do you think are the root causes of our “epidemic of loneliness” in American men?
We certainly do not believe that our experiences offer a definitive diagnosis of what is surely an immense and complex and multi-faceted problem. But it has been our experience and our observation over four decades that men are surrounded by a culture that equates masculinity with independence. We’re taught to need no one and to expect nothing other than what can be won with our own efforts. Showing vulnerability, on the other hand, often feels like an invitation to be hurt. In such a climate, men can bind together for any number of reasons: to climb mountains, fight wars, meet sales quotas, root our teams to victory and so forth, but when the task is accomplished, we tend to disband and go back to our separate ways. None of this is conducive to lifelong, mutually caring, compassionate friendships that endure.
The four of you are in some ways very similar: white, straight, cisgender men, privileged educationally and comfortable financially. Can those who are not like you form friendships like yours?
It’s truly not our place to say. While we try to be as open as we can to the experiences of others, ultimately, we can only know what it is like to be ourselves, and we would not offer our experiences as a prescription for anyone else. What we do hope is that our experiences might inspire others to think about their own experiences, their own friendships, looking for ways to seek and create for themselves in their settings something akin to what we have sought and created in our own. And we’d love to hear the stories of how it happened for them.
Why should people read this book? What will the reader carry away with them?
We believe our narrative reveals that remaining intentionally committed to your friends, over years and decades, in good times and in hard ones, deepens trust and significantly enriches daily life. Doing so changes neural pathways and strengthens the intellectual, emotional and spiritual capacity for processing events, inspiring courage, vitality and wonder. We hope that readers come away persuaded that sharing life’s struggles with trusted friends – disappointments, failures, worries – is just as precious and important as celebrating individual and shared triumphs or accomplishments. We hope that people realize that friendships can be built through intention, commitment and compassion. This is what makes friendships endure beyond happy accidents of shared interests or enforced proximity. And finally, it may be obvious, but it bears noting: Friendship must be fun, perhaps not always funny, but deeply joyful.
Author Links: GoodReads | Amazon
I Was Playing Checkers While God Was Playing Chess: The Power and Presence of God in My Life
James Bass’s I Was Playing Checkers While God Was Playing Chess is a raw and vulnerable memoir that chronicles the author’s journey from deep childhood trauma to spiritual awakening and redemption. Drawing on vivid metaphors from the game of chess, Bass uses each chapter to map out pivotal “moves” in his life—moments of heartbreak, divine intervention, and personal growth. Through the lens of abuse, addiction, love, and faith, Bass tells the story of how God’s unseen hand was guiding his life’s trajectory, even when he could barely keep his own head above water.
Bass’s writing isn’t polished in the traditional sense—it’s honest. Honest like a wound still healing. There’s power in that. His voice jumps off the page, not like a preacher, but like a man who’s been through the worst and is just grateful to be alive. The early chapters, especially those about his Abuelita and the horrifying abuse he endured as a child, were painful to read. But that pain is the point. You can feel his desperation and confusion, and then—slowly—his transformation. The chess metaphor could’ve easily been gimmicky, but here it’s brilliant. It gives shape to his suffering and makes it feel like maybe all our worst days aren’t just random punches from life.
Where the book really shines, though, is in the sections about Crystal—his wife, his partner, his mirror. Their love is not a fairy tale. It’s messy, cracked, and sometimes brutal. But it’s also real. Bass’s depiction of being a caregiver to someone with a severe mental illness is unflinching and brave. He doesn’t sugarcoat it. And that’s why it works. His sacrifices don’t feel like grand gestures. They feel like daily choices to love someone no matter what. That kind of love—resilient, imperfect, relentless—feels holy. And when he finally connects his childhood reading struggles to his ability to advocate for Crystal later in life? It was powerful. You can’t make that stuff up.
This isn’t a book for people looking for tidy answers or happy endings wrapped in bows. But if you’ve ever asked God “why?”, if you’ve ever looked at your life and felt like nothing made sense, or if you’ve ever wondered whether your pain had a point—this book is for you. It’s a reminder that you don’t have to know the next move. You just have to trust that the board is in the hands of a Master. I’d recommend it to anyone navigating trauma, caregiving, broken family dynamics, or just plain soul exhaustion.
Pages: 78 | ASIN :
I Was Playing Checkers While God Was Playing Chess: The Power and Presence of God in My Life
I Was Playing Checkers While God Was Playing Chess is part memoir, part testimony, and all heart. It’s the story of a man who lived through a mountain of trauma. Abuse, racism, addiction, marital struggles, and found God moving in places he didn’t expect. Every chapter uses a chess move to explain a turning point in his life, like how his grandmother giving him an encyclopedia set as a boy set the stage for him to one day decode complex psychiatric info and care for his wife. It’s deeply personal, packed with emotion, and reads like someone sitting across the table, telling you their truth.
One chapter that really hit me was “The Fork” about his abuelita. She steps in during his horrible childhood, gives him love, and literally hands him books when no one else believed in him. That whole section had me teary-eyed. It reminded me how sometimes the smallest gestures change everything. And the way he ties it back later, like decades later, to how he understood medical texts to help his wife, was amazing. That’s not just a good story. That’s fate with a plan. I could feel how much those books meant to him. It wasn’t just about reading. It was about survival.
Then there’s Crystal. She’s not just his wife. She’s a whole force of nature. That part where she tells him, “I love you for the man you’re going to become,” after he’s cheated and blown up their marriage? I had to put the book down for a second. That line wrecked me. You feel the weight of what they’ve been through, but you also feel the hope. The love between them isn’t pretty or easy, but it’s real. The mental health stuff is raw, too. He talks about psychosis, ER visits, and disappearing acts. And yet there’s faith threaded through it all, like a lifeline.
Later on, when he talks about writing his first book and speaking publicly, it’s a total shift. That’s when you realize the guy who used to think he was worthless is now lifting other people up. There’s this full-circle moment when he reconnects with an old boss who turns out to be a pastor. The way it all lines up? It’s wild. It feels earned. I could see the gears turning in his life even when he couldn’t. That made me look at my own life differently. Like maybe all this chaos has some kind of pattern.
If you’ve ever felt like you were getting hit from all sides and couldn’t see the bigger picture, this book is for you. If you’ve ever loved someone who was hard to love, or were that person yourself, this book is for you. It’s not fancy or polished. But it’s real and full of heart.
Pages: 78 | ISBN : 978-1963737240
Step-By-Step Framework
Mastering Emotions for Men is a direct, honest, and refreshingly human guide to emotional intelligence designed specifically for men who feel stuck, overwhelmed, or just plain numb, that walks readers through reclaiming control over their emotions in a way that feels more like a conversation with a tough-love friend than a clinical self-help manual. Why was this an important book for you to write?
In short, because I lived it. For a long time, I did what so many men do: I pushed through. I kept my emotions on lockdown, focused on success, and told myself that strength meant silence. But underneath the surface, I was burnt out, disconnected, and constantly battling this sense that something was missing. The truth is, no one ever handed us a playbook for emotional resilience. We were told to be strong, but not how to be whole.
Mastering Emotions for Men was born out of that tension, the gap between what we’re taught and what we actually need to thrive. I wrote it because I was tired of seeing good men stuck in patterns that were silently destroying their confidence, their relationships, and their health. And I didn’t want to write another polished, overly academic book that talks about emotions without helping readers do something with them.
This book is personal. It’s raw. It’s direct. But more than anything, it’s practical. I wanted it to feel like the reader is sitting down with someone who won’t let them off the hook…but also won’t let them fall apart. Because we don’t need more theory. We need tools that work in the heat of real life.
Men are craving MORE than survival. We want a deep, honest, and loving connection with others. Purpose. Control over our own minds and emotions. This book gives men permission and a proven path to develop that emotional strength without sacrificing their identity. That’s why it matters. That’s why I had to write it.
What is the RESPONSE method that you have developed, and how does this help men develop emotional intelligence?
The RESPONSE method is a step-by-step framework I created to help men move from emotional reactivity to emotional mastery. For so many of us, emotions either feel like something to avoid or something that hijacks us. We either shut down, blow up, or numb out. RESPONSE gives men a new way to examine what it means to be both masculine and emotional.
Each letter in RESPONSE stands for a key moment in that process:
R – Righting the Societal Wrong
Challenges the outdated narratives that have taught men to suppress emotion. This chapter reframes masculinity and sets the foundation for why emotional intelligence is essential.
E – Emotional Intelligence 101
Introduces the core components of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and social skills. It explores how men can develop and practice them.
S – Science Behind the Emotions
Explores the neuroscience and physiology of emotion, explaining how feelings are formed and why they affect the body and brain the way they do.
P – Pause for Self-Reflection
Equips men with tools to stop reacting on autopilot. It focuses on identifying emotions as they arise and learning to reflect before responding.
O – Overcoming the Urge to React
This is where self-regulation comes into play: learning how to manage intense emotions and avoid impulsive or destructive responses.
N – Navigating Relationships with Empathy
Applies emotional intelligence to interpersonal dynamics, such as how to listen, relate, and respond with empathy to deepen trust and strengthen connection.
S – Self-Care for Stress Relief
Teaches men to protect their emotional bandwidth by building healthy coping strategies: stress management, physical well-being, and emotional replenishment.
E – Effective Communication and Conflict Management
Wraps it all together by guiding men to express emotions clearly, set healthy boundaries, and resolve conflict with strength and clarity.
It’s not therapy jargon. It’s a battle-tested framework built for real life, whether you’re in an argument with your partner, facing pressure at work, or just feeling that vague sense of frustration or numbness you can’t name.
This method trains men to respond instead of react. It creates space between what you feel and what you do. And in that space, you get your power back. You gain clarity. You build self-respect. Over time, you rewire your default settings. So, instead of anger, avoidance, or self-doubt, you respond with strength, awareness, and confidence.
That’s emotional intelligence in action, not just knowing what you feel, but using it in a way that moves your life forward.
What is one thing that people point out after reading your book that surprises you?
One of the most surprising things readers tell me is how much the book feels like a conversation with someone who gets it—not like a lecture or a therapy manual. That wasn’t something I intentionally set out to do at first—but it’s become one of the book’s most powerful strengths.
Men will say things like, “I felt like you were in my head,” or “Finally, someone put words to what I’ve been carrying for years.” And that means a lot to me. Because most guys aren’t walking around saying, “I need more emotional intelligence.” They’re walking around saying, “I’m tired of snapping at the people I love,” or “I don’t know why I feel so numb.” This book speaks to that guy.
Another thing that surprises people—and honestly, it’s one of my favorite reactions—is how the science lands. Guys have told me, “The chapter on how the brain fills in bad data based on perceived threats during emotional stress? That blew my mind.” Once they understand why they react the way they do, the shame starts to lift. And that’s huge. Because when you stop beating yourself up, you finally have the freedom to grow.
But what probably surprises readers most is how doable it feels. They come in expecting a bunch of abstract advice—and what they get is real tools. Quick wins. Micro-habits. Stuff that actually fits into real life. And when they see that even small shifts—like saying their emotions out loud or doing a two-minute check-in—can change how they show up in their relationships, that’s when they start to believe, “Maybe I can do this after all.”
And that? That’s the spark that makes all my research and writing worth it.
What is one thing that you hope readers take away from Mastering Emotions for Men?
I hope they walk away knowing this: you can be emotionally strong without losing your masculinity.
For too long, men have been taught that emotion is the enemy, that strength means silence, and that vulnerability equals weakness. Those lies have cost us our relationships, our health, and our peace of mind.
Emotional intelligence isn’t about becoming soft. It’s about becoming sharp—clear, calm, and in control. It’s about reclaiming your power without letting your emotions drive you off a cliff.
If a man finishes this book and says, “I finally understand what I’m feeling and I know what to do with it,” then I’ve done my job.
This isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. And if they take that first step then everything can start to change.
Author Links: GoodReads | X (Twitter) | Facebook | Website | Amazon
This is your turning point.
In Mastering Emotions for Men, you’ll discover the key to unlocking the emotional awareness and control you’ve always been capable of. No fluff, no endless psycho-babble—just practical, proven steps to take you from emotionally disconnected to powerfully in-tune with yourself and those around you.
This book equips you with the RESPONSE method, a game-changing approach that transforms emotional reactions into healthy, confident responses. Through clear, actionable guidance and real-world stories, you’ll learn how to break down emotional barriers and step into a new level of personal power and connection. Here’s what awaits you:
From confusion to clarity: Learn to identify and manage your emotions with ease so you can handle stress, frustration, and conflict like a pro.
From isolated to empowered: Rebuild your self-worth and experience a sense of belonging by learning how to trust and express yourself authentically.
From distant to deeply connected: Strengthen your relationships by mastering the art of empathy and assertive communication.
From stalled to unstoppable: Create momentum in your career by applying emotional intelligence to your leadership, decision-making, and problem-solving.
By the end of this book, you’ll go from feeling frustrated and disconnected to being emotionally grounded and thriving, equipped to handle life’s challenges without feeling overwhelmed.
In just a few minutes each day, you’ll discover how to:
Reconnect deeply with the people who matter most, reigniting your relationships.
Handle high-stress situations with emotional intelligence and control.
Turn emotional vulnerability into your greatest strength for lasting success in both personal and professional life.
Ready to transform the way you connect, communicate, and live? Start your journey now—and become the man who not only understands his emotions but turns them into productive tools building the life, relationships, and destiny that you desire.
