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Outlet For My Grief
To Kill a Cockroach is an evocative and deeply introspective memoir that captures your turbulent journey through significant personal and historical challenges. Why was this an important book for you to write?
My passion for painting has been a gift I received from early on. Painting was more entertaining as a child than any toy or amusement park. Unfortunately, the passing of my mother, who became my best friend towards the end of her life, left me unable to paint at all. I would sit in front of a canvas and pray, and nothing. This added to the already tremendous grief I was experiencing. It was then that I sat down to write To Kill a Cockroach. To write became an incredible outlet for my grief. As a staunch believer in something much greater than myself, which I call God, he answered my prayer in disguise, and To Kill a Cockroach was born. Looking back, as usual, it was God’s plan that I write and put the paint brushes down, at least while I healed from my loss. As painful as it often was, writing the book brought me back to life. I was able to not only process the grief but look back at my life and see the hand of God carrying me through life. Yet again, God showed up at the right time and in the proper form.
What was the most challenging part of writing your memoir, and what was the most rewarding?
The most challenging part, without a doubt, was having to relive some of the horrendous times of my life. Interestingly enough, reliving these horrible memories was also a gift in disguise. Writing it down and pouring it onto the paper was cleansing my soul. I felt very proud of my life for the first time. In some small way, I was honoring my parent’s sacrifice and my very own journey.
How has writing your memoir impacted or changed your life?
There is an incredible sense of freedom that I have never felt before. As a child, having been sexually molested created an incredible sense of shame that I carried with me throughout my entire life. Writing about the sexual molestation for the world to read was incredibly scary and yet very empowering. I am no longer a victim of what happened to me, and this is perhaps one of the greatest gifts God wanted to reveal to me through my writing.
What do you hope is one thing readers take away from your story?
Hope is, without question, what I would love readers to receive from reading my story. As I write in my book, there is hope even until our last breath. And that may be the most significant metamorphosis yet: our crossing over.
Author Links: GoodReads | Amazon
To Kill a Cockroach
Osvaldo Calixto Amador’s To Kill a Cockroach is a deeply personal and philosophical memoir that weaves together themes of identity, survival, and self-acceptance. Through a series of poetic reflections, autobiographical vignettes, and existential musings, the author recounts his life’s journey—from childhood struggles and societal alienation to moments of revelation and healing. Drawing inspiration from To Kill a Mockingbird and Black Beauty, Amador uses their themes of injustice and compassion as a lens to examine his own existence. The book is less about a linear story and more about peeling back layers of experience to reveal the universal quest for love and understanding.
I enjoyed this book’s lyrical, almost dreamlike writing style. Amador tells his story with emotions and sensory details. One passage that lingers in my mind is his recollection of watching To Kill a Mockingbird and his visceral reaction to Atticus Finch’s words about killing blue jays but sparing mockingbirds. His discomfort with this moral distinction spirals into a philosophical dilemma: why kill at all? This moment becomes a metaphor for larger existential questions—who decides what has value and what is deemed expendable? The writing here is raw, reflective, and unapologetically introspective, which makes it both beautiful and unsettling.
Another powerful aspect of the book is its exploration of love and self-acceptance. Amador, a gay man who struggled with societal rejection and personal trauma, writes with haunting honesty about the pain of being an outsider. His connection with animals, particularly the birds and dogs he cares for, becomes a form of redemption. One of the most touching moments is his bond with his dog, Toto, and the grief that follows her passing. His emotions are palpable, and the way he describes love—whether for a pet, a friend, or the self—is heartbreakingly sincere.
The book is brimming with poetic depth. The stream-of-consciousness style can be overwhelming at times. That said, this isn’t a book that’s meant to be read for plot. It’s an experience—sometimes chaotic, sometimes deeply thoughtful. The disjointed nature might frustrate some readers, but for those who appreciate literature that leans more on introspection than structure, it offers a rewarding and emotional ride.
To Kill a Cockroach is for readers who enjoy poetic memoirs, philosophical musings, and emotionally raw storytelling. If you’ve ever wrestled with identity, love, or belonging, this book will speak to you.
Pages: 280 | ASIN : B0CTJ6LJRY
LITERARY TITAN 