The Fifth Wife: A Memoir of Hope, Love, and Faith shares your story growing up in a Hmong family and the culture that shaped your life, and the challenges you faced. Why was this an important book for you to write?

I wanted to write this memoir to bring awareness to cultural issues, identity, and mental health. Like other Hmong refugees who have had to abandon their homes in pursuit of peace and freedom, my parents made huge sacrifices, bringing my siblings and me to this new country, America. In return, I always wanted to give them everything I could. In publishing this memoir, I wanted to honor my parents and our past life in which we have struggled and survived. In the writing process, I healed as I gained a deeper understanding of my life’s purpose and recognized what’s truly important in front of me. I wanted to share my story to inspire readers, especially those still trying to figure out themselves and where they should be regarding educational achievements, career aspirations, and family needs. This memoir is like a self-help book; you will learn to appreciate mistakes and lessons learned from unexpected circumstances.

What were some ideas that were important for you to share in this book? 

An idea that I wanted to highlight was that the brightest days would surely come after you get out of the darkness. Sometimes, you live through many storms, and life seems unfair, as if a good ending may never come. Many of us go through traumatic experiences; the aftermath of these situations can linger on deep within us. There are many ways to heal, and nothing is worth dying for. Another idea I wanted to point out is this: sensemaking is powerful. We can cultivate and define our experiences to benefit and strengthen us. It takes practice to get better at this. How we tell our story to ourselves (in our head) can destroy or empower us.

I appreciated the candid nature with which you told your story. What was the hardest thing for you to write about?

Three things that were most difficult to write about:

1) Sexuality: This is a topic that can be uncomfortable for some. I was nervous at first, unsure of how much information to share. For any parts dealing with sexuality, I did my best to edit and leave in only necessary information to support the story. Still, it’s tough. I feel like, as women, we’re not supposed to express our needs when it comes to our sexuality, and love should do fine without sexual desires. But honestly, it’s hard not to bring up this topic when it comes to romantic love. 

2) Depression: There is no word for “depression” in the Hmong language. And in mainstream culture, depression, like any other mental health issue – it’s not easy to grapple with. To highlight the fact that at one point in time, I was severely depressed, it can be embarrassing to admit. It makes me extremely vulnerable. Regardless, it’s a serious problem that needs more attention. I couldn’t skip over this part of my life. It took a lot from me. In return, there is much to learn from it.    

3) Reputation: It was hard to write about others whose lives intertwined with me, especially my parents and husband. I didn’t want their reputation to be tarnished by telling the hurtful truths of our past. I did my best to show the different sides of each person and how we are not perfect. We have many flaws. As human beings, we’ve all tried our best to survive tough times and make the best of every decision.

What is one thing you hope readers take away from your story?

Don’t judge a book by its title. Read this memoir with an open mind. You are about to enter into a world much different than yours. After reading this book, I hope you will feel uplifted. I hope you will be inspired with renewed energy and vision to keep trying to make the best of what you have.

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