Welcome to the World’s Worst Club shares an intimate collection of stories about loss, family, friendship, and the memories that remain after someone is gone. What are some common misunderstandings about grief that you wish people would reconsider?​

I think the biggest misunderstanding is that grief is something you’re supposed to get through, as though it’s a project with a beginning, a middle, and a completion date. We’ve been taught that grief comes in five neat stages, and somehow, if we do everything correctly, we’ll eventually graduate.
That’s not how it works.

Grief is messy, unpredictable, sometimes completely absurd, and occasionally downright funny. You can be devastated in the morning and laughing hysterically at a memory by lunchtime. You can feel anger, guilt, relief, gratitude, and overwhelming love, sometimes all in the same afternoon.

People are uncomfortable with grief, so they want to tidy it up. They want to fix it, explain it, or put a pretty bow on it. But grief doesn’t need fixing. It needs room to exist.

That’s really why I wrote this book. I wanted people to know they’re not crazy, they’re not doing it wrong, and they’re certainly not alone. Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join.

What would you say to someone who feels pressure to grieve in a way that meets other people’s expectations?

I’d tell them to stop auditioning for the role of the perfect grieving person. Seriously. Who decided there was a correct way to fall apart?

Some people cry. Some people don’t. Some people clean their entire house, throw themselves into work, or spend three days in pajamas eating cookies. Some people laugh at funerals. I know because I’ve experienced firsthand just how ridiculous life can become in the middle of something heartbreaking.

There is no trophy for grieving beautifully. You cannot overachieve grief.

And perhaps the most important thing I would tell them is that other people’s discomfort is not your responsibility. You don’t have to make your grief more palatable so someone else can feel better about it.

What role do everyday memories, personal traditions, and small gestures play in keeping our connections to loved ones meaningful?

I think those little things are where our loved ones continue to live in our everyday lives. It’s not necessarily the big holidays or anniversaries that catch you off guard. Sometimes it’s a familiar expression, a favorite food, a ridiculous family story, or hearing something that you know would have made them laugh.

My grandmother had a wonderful way of looking at life, and some of the things she said still find their way into my everyday conversations. Those moments make me smile. They’re a reminder that someone can be gone and still be such a significant part of who you are.

I believe grief is love with nowhere to go. But perhaps that’s not entirely true, because we continue to find places for that love in our memories, our traditions, our humor, and the stories we tell.

What advice would you give someone who wants to support a grieving loved one but worries about saying or doing the wrong thing?

First, stop trying to find the perfect thing to say. It probably doesn’t exist. When someone loses a person they love, they don’t necessarily need wisdom, advice, or another explanation about how everything happens for a reason. Please, for the love of everything holy, stop telling people their loved one is in a better place.

Sometimes all someone needs to hear is, “This is awful. I’m so sorry.”

And then sit with them.

You don’t have to fill the silence. You don’t have to make them feel better. You certainly don’t have to compare their loss to something that happened to your neighbor’s cousin.

Show up. Bring food. Remember their loved one’s name. Check on them after the funeral, when everyone else has returned to their normal lives and theirs will never be quite the same.

One of the reasons I wrote Welcome to the World’s Worst Club was because I realized how desperately people need someone who understands, without trying to fix them.

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